I think maybe

I have recently been asked if I understand what I am saying, if I know how limiting this life can be to people that are not in my shoes.  People can be limited by money, by fear, by hate pouring in from all angles and so many other factors that can step in between you and happiness or comfort.  Have I ever been poor and hungry, unhappy or full of fear?  Yes, to a certain extent I have been in many of these places.  I have never been so poor that I could not buy a can of beans, but that is because I live in a land where if I choose to work a dead end job to put some food in front of my face I can; and I have not gone more than a couple of weeks without some sort of job since I got out of high school.  I have had hunger, but I have never come close to being starved.  Anyone like me, who has never been in a state of starvation should contemplate, even just once a year meditate on how privileged they are to have never suffered such a fate as more than a day without food.

Back to my experiences, I have had so little money that I had to find something real cheap that would sustain my body for long durations of time, that was when I realized a lifelong love of beans and vinegar would save me from ever being too hungry.  You can buy a few cans of beans and a jug of for vinegar for super cheap, and if you get real low on cash, a bag of dried beans is even cheaper and it is full of life for a human body.  With food in my belly and a little money from my job, I have slept on hardwood floors, in my car and on a couple sidewalks for lack of having a bed to sleep on that I could easily get to.  I must admit that my mother's home was always open to me, but it was not always within reach so I dealt with the moment.  

I have felt the sadness of my heart being crushed by friends, family and by lovers.  I have wanted to die, so they could see how much pain they caused me.  I have felt alone and abandoned, hopelessness clenching my gut as I tried to drink myself out of being.  During these times most people had no idea I was suffering, I have always had an easy go of wearing a smile through almost everything, regardless of what I was feeling.  Though my persona was always a giggling fool, my life has not always been fields of daisies and dancing.  But through it all I have never stopped trying to figure out what each part meant to me in a larger sense.  After some time I have found that each of these moments could be looked back upon as a time of growth and eventually I came to a place where I could see the inner growth while the tears were pouring out of my eyes.

I have heard the unstoppable chant of a thousand beautiful voices singing to the entire earth from within my own heart, "Kill your mother!" over and over again, and other such recommendations once in a while throughout my life.  I have had to sit and consider how this chant and other dark ideas can be coming into me and what I was to do with them; it took years of contemplation to figure many of these things out, all along the way I forced myself to live from my rational mind while the outside and inside life pushed or pulled from one side or the other.  I eventually came to the conclusion that every dark corner of life, be it on the earth or in my mind, is a point to balance the light which I have also found.  In my search for understanding I realized that the best way to deal with it all is to balance upon a road that is not as much straight and narrow as it is lightly swaying between the two sides, from life giving to life taking experiences, or darkness to light.  So I accept experiences that seem to be trying to take life out of me as openly as the ones that feel like they are feeding my soul; and with the right perspective I know they are all feeding my soul despite how they feel emotionally.  

I went through many of my tests years ago, I still push myself into both sides of the spectrum, but my sway does not often swing as broad as it did in my twenties.  My life is focused on being balanced and peace fills my heart while I send out a calm and hopefully understanding love which accepts all layers of creation.  I take in the chants and dark moments to find inspiration to write words that will help others know that they are not alone and there is someone who has been touched by and moved through similar darkness as they are experiencing.  I want you to know that the darkness you experience need not rule your life, you can use your mind to work out of any experience you find yourself in, sometimes it may take a year or two, but you hold the power within you.  You have both the light and the dark in and around you, find balance between the two and let your heart and mind expand your consciousness as you walk the road of life.  

Love, 

PEACE